Normally, having a lot of money is supposed to make your worries go away.
But I remember a time when I had the most money I’ve ever had, and yet I was miserable.
I’m 20 years old.
I’m standing in the kitchen with my mom and she casually asks me how much money I have in my savings.
She was the one to start my savings account for me when I was 7 years old. And I had grown it with my own money since then.
Looking at nothing in particular on the counter I say $38,000. My savings account has been sitting around this number for awhile now and I feel a seed of pride within me about the amount. But I also feel something else…
My mom says, “wow, that number is a real upper limit for you.”
I immediately feel myself flush with heat.
Frustration starts to rise up in my chest. And I quickly to defend myself, “Well every month I make more money and then I have to pay for school so the number goes up and then right back down”.
I can feel myself getting angry as justifications and validations start buzzing in my head.
What the fck. $38,000 is a lot of money for someone my age. Plus I am literally paying for college! I have zero. ZERO debt. ZERO student loans. Plus I’ve been working my ass off! I haven’t had a day off from work or school in 4 years! I’m a restaurant manager. I’m climbing the success ladder. I have a 3.9GPA! I don’t even spend money that often. I don’t splurge on things I want. I’m a total penny pincher. I’m doing everything right. I’m doing a good fing job.
I hear this list of validation zip through me like lighting in an attempt to convince myself.
I’m doing a good job. I’m doing a good job. I’m doing a good job.
But underneath all of that anger that I feel something deeper brewing.
Disappointment in myself.
Am I doing a good job?
And even deeper I feel something else.
I felt it burn from deep within me. I hear a small voice inside me whispers over and over, “not enough, not enough, not enough”.
I don’t want to deal with all of this right now. I don’t want to feel this way right now. I don’t want to think about it. So I shut it all down.
I turn and walk out of the kitchen and start thinking about what’s next. I stuff down my anger. I disregard my doubt. I ignore my exhaustion.
And instead I remind myself that I got this. I just have to work harder. I just have to do more. And I do what I do best, drown myself in a sea of trying to get more.
And so, I keep going on this way for a few years.
Until it nearly kills me. And I find myself trapped between doing so much, working so hard, and feeling burnt out.
All while at the same time feeling like I don’t have enough, am not doing enough, and needing to do more. Be more.
I sacrifice everything for my job, my success, and my money. I never see my family. I lose all my friends. I keep secrets. I feel ashamed. And I feel like I’m drowning.
I have no idea how to get out of this dark hole. Everything feels hopeless. And life feels pointless.
I had hit rock bottom so hard, that something had to give.
I realized that for years I had been sacrificing myself. Choosing “success” and money over my own happiness. And I decided that I wasn’t going to let this be my story anymore.
Although I had always been good at making and saving money, I learned that I had to do more than just manage my money.
I had to change my relationship with money.
I spent years taking back control of my life.
I learned how to stop doing things because I needed the money and instead started living for me.
And I remember a time several years later, finding myself in a completely different place.
I’m sitting in a yoga studio on my yoga mat. The room has beautiful wooden floors and is full of plants. The sun is streaming in the windows.
I’m in my yoga teacher training class with my other future yoga instructor tribe.
One of the ladies tells us all that she is hosting a women’s retreat in North Carolina right after yoga teacher training ends in a few months.
I feel my heart leap in my chest. I feel the warmth of excitement wash over me at the idea of traveling and attending a retreat.
I really want to go.
For the past 6 months I have been practicing saying yes to the opportunities coming my way. Saying yes to the things that light me up.
I had already gotten my Coaching Certification, made a variety of business investments, and in Yoga Teacher Training.
I went from having thousands of dollars and being miserable, to spending thousands of dollars on myself, my growth, and my business.
The idea of spending so much money used to feel scary. But now I trust myself.
So I say, “Sign me up! I’ll be there”. And I meant it.
Finally it is easy for me to live my dream AND do it in a way where I feel secure financially.
I manage my money in a way that supports the life that I want to live. And now I get to use my money to create that life. To live my life to the fullest.
I finally feel like I have enough.
Changing my relationship to money transformed my life.
Which is exactly why I created my Empowered Abundance program.
To help coaches and healers live their best lives and fulfill their purpose.
To support you in breaking free from false views of “success” and constraining scarcity so that you can grow your business without having to worry about the money.
So that you get to live the life you want to live.
The first round of the Empowered Abundance Group Program is opening soon.
If you are ready to start growing your business and living your life without financial pressure weighing you down, then this program is for you.
Join the waitlist to get updates about open enrollment.